Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
