you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
