During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
