I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
