Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
