hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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