mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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