my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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