He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
