I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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