I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
