we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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