I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
