where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
