Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
