My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Text me some of your sweat
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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