oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
