Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
