I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
