that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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