Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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