dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
