They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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