I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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