I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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