someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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