If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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