meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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