If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
