so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
