My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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