I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
