First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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