Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
