Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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