Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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