OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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