Umm I'm too high to move.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
