Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
