i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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