just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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