Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
