Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
