You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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