You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
