Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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