I think my fart just growled at me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
