I puked a lego.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
