i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
