what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
