I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
