in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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