I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
