i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
