Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
