There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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