Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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