Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
