I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
