So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
