Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
