i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
